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Monday, May 12, 2014

A Wonderful and Free Marriage Tune-Up with Tim & Kathy Keller

My wife Katie and I were blessed both before and during the early years of our marriage with some wonderful marriage mentors. And frankly: We needed all the help we could get!!

Tim & Kathy Keller
Increasingly couples are getting hitched with neither the benefit of mentoring or counseling. You might be one of those people and even if you are not: I am linking below a wonderful marriage overview and refresher in 1 1/4 hours. 

Here you can access a brilliant 2005 talk from Pastor Tim & Kathy Keller on Cultivating a Healthy Marriage. You will need to create a user name and PW but otherwise it's free. The couple rotates back and forth speaking candidly, biblically and practically on six major marital hot-spots (again SIX in just an hour and some change!!):  (1) Purpose & Roles; (2) Communication; (3) Love Languages; (4) Sex (pre & post childbirth); (5) Conflict; (6) Spiritual Life together.   

Some Highlights that were impressed upon me:

  • Purpose: (Tim) The purpose of marriage is Gospel Re-enactment
  • Roles: (Kathy) The Hebrew idea for "Helper" comes from a position of strength not weakness or inferiority.
  • Roles: (Kathy) Great stuff on understanding the roles & value of each person in marriage in relation to relationship of the Godhead in the Trinity.
  • Roles: (Kathy) Great point about how both man and woman get to 'play the role' of Jesus in the marriage.
  • Communication: (Tim) Never tire of asking: What is the motive of this message I'm about to send?
  • Communication: (Tim) Addressing the problem not the person - 4-part strategy.
  • Communication: (Tim) Make sure it's a safe place for the spouse to offer criticism by slowing down our responses and giving your spouse permission to keep on talking.
  • Conflict: (Kathy) Sometimes you need gospel humility to call a 'foul' on yourself in the midst of the conflict (humbly ask: Please strike that last comment from the record).
  • Conflict: (Kathy) Sometimes you need to be the coach by telling your husband, especially, "I'm just looking for a hug here" or " I'm just hoping you'll admit you're in need of help also."
  • Conflict: (Tim) Always take time the next day, after repentance & restoration, to to review how you can improve next time - both the trigger of conflict and how you both handled the conflict as a team.

Tim Keller, as many of you know (since I've referred to him often and is likely my favorite living preacher) is Senior Pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in NYC. He and Kathy also joined together on a larger work released in 2011 called The Meaning of Marriage - which is not free. 

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